Men As Jeans: A Quirky Gals Guide To Finding The Perfect Fit

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Ask any woman what it feels like when, after heaving and sucking their stomach in, they walk out of the department store change room, turn to face the poorly lit mirror and realize that they look absolutely amazing in the pair of jeans they’re trying on.

In fact, finding the perfect fit is not just a mood booster for many women, it becomes a life-long quest through a challenging gauntlet of cuts, rises, tint and texture.

We try on pair after pair to find the holy grail. We lie down on change room the floor to pull up a stove pipe. It makes us hate the fact that we are so goddamned dependent on solid food because our “filthy” eating habit is getting between us and our ability to wear skinny jeans without feeling like we’re cutting off our circulation from the hip – down. We’ll endlessly twirl and whirl in front of that mirror in our boot cut, praying to the gods that they don’t make us look like a Volvo driving soccer mum from the back.Image credit: savvybroad.com

We’ll scrutinize every angle, every feature and every little stitch. Hey, no one said jeans shopping was easy and if they did they’re probably have a contract with Ford Models and complain that they “can never find they’re size because the designer doesn’t make jeans that small…” But when you do find the right fit…..oh, boy. It’s like Christmas and your birthday has came at once. It’s like a never-ending orgasm, coupled with Prozac and an endless supply of jelly beans. It mimics the exact same feeling you get when you find the perfect guy. Yet somehow, shopping for the mans becomes all the more harder, despite the fact that sports bars are crawling with them. Hell, you can swing a cat and hit a whole bunch of them on the way to Arby’s for lunch. But women struggle finding the perfect match just in the same way we struggle finding the perfect fit. So, I propose we employ our knowledge that has been honed during our many jean shopping experiences and apply that to finding the perfect mate. So, in that vein, here is a list of men as jeans.

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THE SKINNY LEG This chap is quite the challenge. Lord knows how hard you try to get him on and that’s only half the effort required when compared to actually getting him off. Favored among the fashion elite, models and anyone who’s into food blending, this tight and taught specimen can make you look and feel fabulous. Though, avoid if you have a serious case of insecurity. With this make, all your flaws and scars will be out in public for the world to see. THE BOYFRIEND JEAN

Reliable and dependent, the boyfriend is your go to comfort slack that can look fashionable if paired with the right accessories (or woman). Problem is, being the distant cousin of the slouch, the boyfriend may be a little too relaxed which can lead to complacency which can be a real relationship killer. However, if you manage to keep him on your (peep) toes, this make can be a real winner.RIPPED Well, we can all dream, can’t we?HIGH-WAISTED This is the type that makes you think you’re on cloud nine because, initially, they do so much for you. Then, lo, you leave the comforts of the rose-tinted glasses phase and realize this cut makes you look like Kim Kardashian wedged in a pork lattice pie. What went wrong? Darling, the man is high and “waisted”. The only way this could work is that you were also as high and “waisted” as he was but then you’ve got a whole set of co-dependency issues to deal with. Leave this guy for the fun times. He isn’t of “perfect mate” material.FLARED Now there’s a relationship that will probably last less than this season’s trends.CLASSIC Much like a crisp Calvin Klein button up, or the silver screen, the classic is something with true staying power. He’s understated, without pretense and knows where his place is – around your waist. Classics, whether slightly faded or slightly put through the wringer, will last through all the experimental phases and the crazy fads. Dependable even on your worst day, this jean, or man, can be the perfect make. It’s up to you how you’ll treat them, though.

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Adventures With Jayde: Dr. Gingerbread

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Continued from Blame It On Yoga…..

I got all dolled up and attended my appointment with doctor…lets call her “Gingerbread”, because she was a mighty sweet treat…..yum. When I arrived I sat in the waiting room for about twenty minutes filling out the proper paperwork until the Medical Assistant called me into an examination room. The MA (which was a hottie) took the usual blood pressure, temperature and weight before leaving.

As I sat there waiting for my examination my mind began to fantasize about what she would look like.   I envisioned a hot, lesbian doctor in a very short, baby doll dress, overly done make-up, and curled purple locks.

Another twenty minutes or so passed and in walked this petite, bomb shell with long, red tinted hair tied up in a bun, thick, black rimmed glasses. She looked nothing like my fantasy doctor. She was wearing a long, white lab coat and carrying a medical chart that she was writing notes into at a furious pace.

I immediately pictured her on the floor with my legs wrapped around her face.

She turned to face me and paused. My first thought was,”Oh yeah. She likes what she sees….”

“Hello Ms. Ummm Lei. I see you are here for a tear in your left rotator cuff?”

“Yes, you would be correct!”

“May I ask how this injury occurred?” she then asked.

I chuckled and explained my entire masturbatory misadventure.

Dr. Gingerbread and I both had a wondrous laugh whilst my explanation. She then explained the normal procedures of trying physical therapy before contemplating surgery. I nodded in agreement with her.  I wasn’t paying much attention to her words and was focused on her huge, perky tits peeking through the unbuttoned portion of her lab coat.

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I felt she sensed this because she began to speed up her discussion about my shoulder. Before we ended the conversation I decided to take a chance and bring up my friend, Dr. P., whom referred me to her office. I asked her how she knew him. She was a bit reserved at first, but soon opened up. Our conversation carried on for another fifteen minutes  I asked her if she would like to join our mutual friend and I for a round of cocktails that night. She respectfully declined.

I left with the notion I lost any and all chances to get her panties wet. I shrugged and brushed off the rejection, called Dr. P., and asked him out for drinks.

That night we ended up at this great hipster bar just chatting and drinking away. Mid-conversation Dr. P received a phone call from a female. I didn’t pay much attention as he is always chasing after a favor of the month.

After an hour or so he pardon himself as his phone rang once more, stepped outside, and came back in with gorgeous Dr. Gingerbread.

My face immediately lit up. I scurrying out of my stool and ran over to hug her in excitement. We all sat down and I ordered us a round of shots and drinks. Two shots and five cocktails later Dr. Gingerbread was inebriated. Her entire persona went from stern\conservative to white girl wasted and I loved every moment of it. Before long she began flirting with me and before you know it we were making out in the bathroom. Which was really hot by the way! She managed to pick me up in a straddling position, slammed me against the bathroom wall, and shoved her tongue down my throat. I am creaming just writing about it! Yum!

She whispered in my ear to come back to her place and I totally obliged. I paid the tab and we taxied back to her place.

The rest of the night was raunchy and filthy. I left her house shortly after naughty time happy as a pig in poo.

My shoulder is still in immense pain and I now have to find another doctor, but it was worth the experience!

Yours Lewdly,

Jayde Onyx Lei

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Adventures With Jayde: Blame It On Yoga

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As a beginner yoga patron muscles in my shoulders, neck, as well as my lower back were tense and sore from all the strenuous stretching.

By day three of yoga I was really, really sore.  I decided to call it a night and just masturbate myself into a blitz. I had to catch an early morning flight to Chicago for work.

I got through my first orgasm fairly quickly as I hadn’t rubbed one out in quite sometime (two days).  I wasn’t satisfied. I decided to switch up the porn to something more DPish.  I had one hand grasping my phone\porn and the other down in my nether regions. Before I dove into mission O2 I repositioned my neck. Well this was about the most careless load of crap move I had made since getting drunk on a plane…

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Instantly I heard a snap and an intense rush of pain swept over the entire left side of my body. I grunted loudly in pain and seconds later found myself paralyzed.

Fingers still situated in the petting position on my cat with the opposite hand now gripping my phone in complete agony. I decided it was probably best to give up and just lie there until the pain subsided. I ended up passing out from the pain only to wake up to my worrisome parents banging on my bedroom door wondering if I was okay because I hadn’t left to catch my flight.

Disgruntled I screamed to them through my locked door that I must’ve broken something doing yoga and that I was just going to lie there until I was not in so much pain.

My Asian mother knocked four more times and tried to get me to unlock my bedroom door. I shut that shit down quick and yelled, “Mother! I am naked and seriously paralyzed right now!!!”

My mother’s response? “Who sleeps without their clothes!?”

Well, obviously I do….

Anyhow, I laid there for a few hours before my mom blew up my phone demanding I go to the ER . I knew the ER would only give me an X-ray which only shows broken bones and very limited soft tissue damage. What I needed was an MRI. I was damn sure I had ripped the tendon on my left rotator cuff straight off the bone.

I called my friend who is a physician and begged him for a referral for an MRI. To my surprise (not really), I tore the tendon….which in fact requires surgery…..ALL from fucking masturbation!!!

Needless to say my friend, the physician, laughed at me so hard he almost pissed his pants. He referred me to an orthopedic surgeon and mentioned that she happened to be a hot, natural red head AND a lesbian!

Hmmmm….. smart, beautiful AND a red head?! I made the appointment for the very next afternoon so let’s see how this pans out. I loves me a challenge!

To be continued……

Yours Lewdly,

Jayde Onyx Lei

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Catfished: Adventures With Jayde

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Jayde here.

I decided to give Tinder another whirl and swiped right on this “nice” boy in Duncan, OK when I was visiting my sister during the fourth of July holiday week. Possibly the worst idea ever.

Screw you Tinder.

Anyhow, the story goes T and I got to know each other for a month before I decided to take a trip back to OK to visit him. He was this amazing investigator for the town he lived in. He lived off the golf course in the nicer part of town. He was tall, handsome, twenty-nine with a stable career and life. After all, this was something I always felt I needed…..right?

Bloody wrong!

The entire trip was a flippin nightmare!! Not only was I somewhat “Catfished” by the entirety of his lies and deceitfulness, I ended up actually sleeping in his ghetto ass car for a night.

Not by choice of course–and yeah…. that… flippin… happened!

So after two weeks of planning and a night of no sleep because I was far too excited I was about to meet the man of my dreams, I flew private charter to DFW. (Yeah the same airport I was arrested from just a month prior.) I touched down about 8 a.m. and scurried over to baggage claim where T had promised to meet me. Well, he wasn’t flippin there and didn’t show for another two hours.

First Strike

When he finally picked me up he happened to still be messed up on whatever he was doing the night before so he was all sketched out. Typical Frat Boy douche baggary! I tried to push my annoyance aside and I decided I wanted breakfast. Afterward breakfast we headed over to his cousin’s. We hung out for a few hours, got drunk then headed out for dinner; Korean BBQ. Before dinner was over the check came and he conveniently had forgotten his wallet. I didn’t think twice about it and thought, “Cool, he’ll get me later.”

The following day we left Dallas and headed back to Duncan, OK. I reminded him he should pump gas, but he was weird about his gas tank not being filled more than half way. He said we’d make it there on half a tank so I just let it go. I, of all people know what it is like to have odd quirks, but then halfway through the trip he pulled into a gas station to pump gas. He went inside to pay for his gas and came out on the phone with someone. He sounded upset and said his card was frozen due to fraud and he would have to wait at least an hour before the bank could do anything about it. Well, I was not going to wait in the heat for an hour so I just paid for the gas.

When we finally got to Duncan he took me by my sister’s place for a visit and to drop off all the Vietnamese food I had picked up for her in Dallas. Well, he got a phone call and needed to leave to work for a little while so I just hung out with my sister. When he picked me up he was obviously stressed out yet again. I asked him what his deal was and with tears in his eyes he told me his Dad had stopped by his house to “bug” it and he couldn’t enter the premises until tomorrow. He cried about being homeless and having nowhere to go. I thought to myself, “bit dramatic?” Just rent a flipping hotel room douche!

We couldn’t even do that. By this time I had run out of cash and my pay check had not posted in my account yet. I couldn’t go to the bank to withdraw cash from my savings because there were NO, ZERO, ZIP Wells Fargo banks in the state of Oklahoma. On the other hand, his federal credit union was conveniently closed, thus making us screwed altogether.

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SO…. AGAIN, whilst he cried like a little bitch, I tried to lighten up the crappy solution he put us both in by suggesting we go on an adventure and camp somewhere lakeside. He would just need to get his camping equipment he had been bragging about the past few weeks from his garage and we could begin our “adventure”. He continued to make excuses of not being able to get to his equipment due to the poison. At this point I was out of options so I just got drunk until I passed out in the back seat of his crappy trail blazer.

The next morning, I couldn’t even look at him and I made him drop me off at my sister’s–ALONE. It was so damn hot the night before I needed the comfort of AC and to be away from him for a while. He said he needed to go by his office for some work.

Once I got to my sister’s, I explained to her all of the strange happenings the past few days. I didn’t feel right about the entire scenario, but to be blatantly honest, I wasn’t going to believe I was being played. I had chosen this dude I didn’t know at all over my ex…whom I had been trying to get back with for the better part of a year. I just couldn’t accept I had made a terrible mistake and desperately needed her to somehow reassure me things were okay.

Well that didn’t flipping happen at all. My sister didn’t offer much of any reassurance, but instead she laughed her ass off at me. She did offer to stalk him to see if what he claimed all along had any truth. First off, we drove by the “court house” he always claimed to be at. He wasn’t there. Secondly, we called the DA’s office to see if he really worked there–needless to say he didn’t. Thirdly, we googled him. Found his address and we drove by his house. Lastly, we revisited all of the scenarios I felt I was being lied to about. We did all of this and yet I was too stubborn to actually believe it. I wanted to see his house for myself. I wanted to catch him in all of his lies before I listened to my own intuition.

Needless to state the obvious. Yes, I wasted another two days spending all of my time and money on this dumb ass until I finally cornered his cousin and caught him red handed in a shit ton of ridiculous lies. Not only did this fucker lie about his job, his house being his parent’s house, but he was, of all things BROKE! UGH. Besides the fact that he was a compulsive liar, the fact he was broke and deceived me was what pissed me off the most. If I had known he was broke as hell I wouldn’t have wasted my time and money on his ass.

I am getting older and have dealt with a certain standard of guys over my dating years. I had started from the bottom and screwed my way to the top and was not going to start at the bottom again! That is ridiculous. I was worth more than a liar, manipulating loser who had the audacity to excuse his lies with “being broken”.

No….. not “broken”…..just “broke”.

In conclusion, after five days of the worse mind screwing bender possible I made it home. Not without realizing a few things though:

Jayde will not do broke.

Jayde will not ever flipping do liars.

Jayde will start listening to her intuition.

Jayde is getting far too flipping old for this bullshit.

…….At least the dick was the bomb.

Yours lewdly,

Jayde Onyx Lei

CrasianGuy: You say you’ve screwed your way to the top. Is this suppose to be some expression to admit you are a gold digger?

Jayde: Wealth is not the first thing I care about, but I will not lie and say I do not wish to be taken care of. I aspire to be a housewife one day and this will never happen if my husband doesn’t work, lives with his parents, and is broke. At least I could be true to myself and admit this. Doesn’t make me a gold digger, makes me smart.

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TTS Thrill Girl Jayde Onyx