Adventures With Jayde: Dick Be Nimble

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Since relocating back to Houston, TX this past summer I have been whoring around like nobody’s business. If it isn’t one Tinder date failed it is the never ending line of terrible blind dates my mother has been relentlessly setting me up on. I suppose since I will be 28 in less than three weeks my mother is desperate to marry me off to the first rich, fairly mentally stable man she can find. Bloody amazing. Another year and she will be offering a goat, three bags of shillings and her own kitty as some warped form of a dowry.

Anyhow……messing around. Yes, I have been dating myself shameless.

At the beginning of the summer I met this “Man-child” with the going alias “Dick-a-saurs Tex”. I actually dated this particular gent for about three weeks before things went sour. I met “Dick” via Instagram. He liked one of my photos randomly and I stalked his entire IG liking every photo of this slightly grizzly, very handsome Peace Corps volunteer in the midst of his travels.

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Normally I do not go for looks or even randomly DM people via IG unless it pertains to collaborations or work, but bloody, holy hell this MF was kitty drenching! I DM “Dick” telling him he was extremely gorgeous and letting him know it was too bad he wasn’t in Houston or……”

Well, the very next morning I actually got a response back from him letting me know he was in fact in Houston at the moment and the photos were remnants of his travels through Israel last year. After a few back and forth responses I sent him my number and invited him out that very night. He was a bit hesitant at first but when I told him it would be a group outing he agreed.

I met my PLP (platonic life partner) S and my third cousin P at this place called Gengi’s and already started in on a few rounds of sake before this awe stunning beast walks through the door with this huge pearly white smile, perfectly trimmed beard, and snapped down flannel shirt. I could’ve sworn my kitty purred and gushed all over my pantie at that precise moment.

(shivers)

I ushered him over to the bar and introduced him to everyone. We ordered a few more rounds as I sat there staring at him and his beard the entire time. This was all strange to me for two reasons:

1) He is a year younger than I am.
2) I hadn’t realized I was into the hipster, beard growing/toting pandemic until I met his neatly trimmed, sandalwood perfumed, soul shuttering beard.

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Anyone who knows me well enough knows I have both mommy/daddy issues and since I cannot control this portion of my life I tend to drown my sorrows in hooking up with men way too old and women far too young–but legal for my own good. So when I found myself sitting next to this bearded man far beyond my emotional maturity and far younger than my Tinder default age range. I was very confused….and drunk.

As the night grew old, we, my PLP and new fun toy. I had determined that after the first five minutes of meeting him.  After he told me he was a former Boy Scout/Altar Boy who is an avid Lego’s collector, I planned to screw this dude into corruption. We bounced from bar to club to bar to club to drunkenness. The entire night became a total blur of shots galore, buying strangers drinks, dancing to really terrible ‘80s music, and smoking pot at one point.

After the bars started to close and “last call” was made, we headed to a late night eatery where we tried to sober up. Ergo, tried. I was still quite smashed when Dick drove about 30 miles or so home. Since he lived on literally the other side of Houston, I did the forbidden and invited him to stay the night–with my parent’s home, with them sleeping right beneath my room. He obliged.

I snuck him in and up to my room stumbling drunkenly over practically everything in sight causing a ruckus of noise, yet my parents slept soundly. The moment I shut the door it was game over. I threw him violently onto my virgin bed. I started ripping off my clothes whilst making out with him. Needless to say the snaps on his flannel worked perfectly in my debaucherous plan to rape and corrupt him.

When we finally got in position to fornicate he pulled away saying something about really liking me and wanting to wait. SMH. In my 27 years of straight hookups I have never been turned down for sex. I kept at it for the better of an hour before growing increasingly frustrated saying stupid shit like, “Just the tip. PLEEAASE! Just the mother flipping tip!!!” And…..just the tip is all I got before passing out drunk.

In the morning I was awoken by hard knocks on my room door by Mother alerting me it was time to go to work at the nail salon. I quickly got dressed and kissed Dick goodbye letting him know no one will be home once I leave so he is safe to sneak out the way he got in.

Once I got to the salon I texted him letting him know I left a pair of my black laced pantie on the foot of my bed and demanded he leave me a gift of jizz all over them before making his escape. Since he didn’t get me off that night I needed some spank bank material.

When I returned home after a long day of scrubbing shit off people’s nasty ass feet I walked up to my room and found a tiny surprise at the foot of my freshly made bed still wet with his bleach scented baby batter….. Lovely way to end my work day! : )

Too bad we never worked out in the end, but I could say we remained good friends till this day, and the fact that he ate kitty like a champ really made those three weeks well worth it!

Yours Lewdly,

Jayde Onyx Lei

Check out Jayde’s Thrill Girl pictorial by clicking HERE! 

Zander: Why didn’t things work out between the two of you if he ate kitty so well?

Me: Well, two reasons : A) I am emotionally retarded. B) He was far too much if a “Good Boy” to handle my wild ways. I am who I am and I refuse to change in light of anyone.

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TTS Thrill Girl Jayde Onyx

Men As Jeans: A Quirky Gals Guide To Finding The Perfect Fit

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Ask any woman what it feels like when, after heaving and sucking their stomach in, they walk out of the department store change room, turn to face the poorly lit mirror and realize that they look absolutely amazing in the pair of jeans they’re trying on.

In fact, finding the perfect fit is not just a mood booster for many women, it becomes a life-long quest through a challenging gauntlet of cuts, rises, tint and texture.

We try on pair after pair to find the holy grail. We lie down on change room the floor to pull up a stove pipe. It makes us hate the fact that we are so goddamned dependent on solid food because our “filthy” eating habit is getting between us and our ability to wear skinny jeans without feeling like we’re cutting off our circulation from the hip – down. We’ll endlessly twirl and whirl in front of that mirror in our boot cut, praying to the gods that they don’t make us look like a Volvo driving soccer mum from the back.Image credit: savvybroad.com

We’ll scrutinize every angle, every feature and every little stitch. Hey, no one said jeans shopping was easy and if they did they’re probably have a contract with Ford Models and complain that they “can never find they’re size because the designer doesn’t make jeans that small…” But when you do find the right fit…..oh, boy. It’s like Christmas and your birthday has came at once. It’s like a never-ending orgasm, coupled with Prozac and an endless supply of jelly beans. It mimics the exact same feeling you get when you find the perfect guy. Yet somehow, shopping for the mans becomes all the more harder, despite the fact that sports bars are crawling with them. Hell, you can swing a cat and hit a whole bunch of them on the way to Arby’s for lunch. But women struggle finding the perfect match just in the same way we struggle finding the perfect fit. So, I propose we employ our knowledge that has been honed during our many jean shopping experiences and apply that to finding the perfect mate. So, in that vein, here is a list of men as jeans.

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THE SKINNY LEG This chap is quite the challenge. Lord knows how hard you try to get him on and that’s only half the effort required when compared to actually getting him off. Favored among the fashion elite, models and anyone who’s into food blending, this tight and taught specimen can make you look and feel fabulous. Though, avoid if you have a serious case of insecurity. With this make, all your flaws and scars will be out in public for the world to see. THE BOYFRIEND JEAN

Reliable and dependent, the boyfriend is your go to comfort slack that can look fashionable if paired with the right accessories (or woman). Problem is, being the distant cousin of the slouch, the boyfriend may be a little too relaxed which can lead to complacency which can be a real relationship killer. However, if you manage to keep him on your (peep) toes, this make can be a real winner.RIPPED Well, we can all dream, can’t we?HIGH-WAISTED This is the type that makes you think you’re on cloud nine because, initially, they do so much for you. Then, lo, you leave the comforts of the rose-tinted glasses phase and realize this cut makes you look like Kim Kardashian wedged in a pork lattice pie. What went wrong? Darling, the man is high and “waisted”. The only way this could work is that you were also as high and “waisted” as he was but then you’ve got a whole set of co-dependency issues to deal with. Leave this guy for the fun times. He isn’t of “perfect mate” material.FLARED Now there’s a relationship that will probably last less than this season’s trends.CLASSIC Much like a crisp Calvin Klein button up, or the silver screen, the classic is something with true staying power. He’s understated, without pretense and knows where his place is – around your waist. Classics, whether slightly faded or slightly put through the wringer, will last through all the experimental phases and the crazy fads. Dependable even on your worst day, this jean, or man, can be the perfect make. It’s up to you how you’ll treat them, though.

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TTS Writer Style Child