Adventures With Jayde: Dick Be Nimble

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Since relocating back to Houston, TX this past summer I have been whoring around like nobody’s business. If it isn’t one Tinder date failed it is the never ending line of terrible blind dates my mother has been relentlessly setting me up on. I suppose since I will be 28 in less than three weeks my mother is desperate to marry me off to the first rich, fairly mentally stable man she can find. Bloody amazing. Another year and she will be offering a goat, three bags of shillings and her own kitty as some warped form of a dowry.

Anyhow……messing around. Yes, I have been dating myself shameless.

At the beginning of the summer I met this “Man-child” with the going alias “Dick-a-saurs Tex”. I actually dated this particular gent for about three weeks before things went sour. I met “Dick” via Instagram. He liked one of my photos randomly and I stalked his entire IG liking every photo of this slightly grizzly, very handsome Peace Corps volunteer in the midst of his travels.

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Normally I do not go for looks or even randomly DM people via IG unless it pertains to collaborations or work, but bloody, holy hell this MF was kitty drenching! I DM “Dick” telling him he was extremely gorgeous and letting him know it was too bad he wasn’t in Houston or……”

Well, the very next morning I actually got a response back from him letting me know he was in fact in Houston at the moment and the photos were remnants of his travels through Israel last year. After a few back and forth responses I sent him my number and invited him out that very night. He was a bit hesitant at first but when I told him it would be a group outing he agreed.

I met my PLP (platonic life partner) S and my third cousin P at this place called Gengi’s and already started in on a few rounds of sake before this awe stunning beast walks through the door with this huge pearly white smile, perfectly trimmed beard, and snapped down flannel shirt. I could’ve sworn my kitty purred and gushed all over my pantie at that precise moment.

(shivers)

I ushered him over to the bar and introduced him to everyone. We ordered a few more rounds as I sat there staring at him and his beard the entire time. This was all strange to me for two reasons:

1) He is a year younger than I am.
2) I hadn’t realized I was into the hipster, beard growing/toting pandemic until I met his neatly trimmed, sandalwood perfumed, soul shuttering beard.

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Anyone who knows me well enough knows I have both mommy/daddy issues and since I cannot control this portion of my life I tend to drown my sorrows in hooking up with men way too old and women far too young–but legal for my own good. So when I found myself sitting next to this bearded man far beyond my emotional maturity and far younger than my Tinder default age range. I was very confused….and drunk.

As the night grew old, we, my PLP and new fun toy. I had determined that after the first five minutes of meeting him.  After he told me he was a former Boy Scout/Altar Boy who is an avid Lego’s collector, I planned to screw this dude into corruption. We bounced from bar to club to bar to club to drunkenness. The entire night became a total blur of shots galore, buying strangers drinks, dancing to really terrible ‘80s music, and smoking pot at one point.

After the bars started to close and “last call” was made, we headed to a late night eatery where we tried to sober up. Ergo, tried. I was still quite smashed when Dick drove about 30 miles or so home. Since he lived on literally the other side of Houston, I did the forbidden and invited him to stay the night–with my parent’s home, with them sleeping right beneath my room. He obliged.

I snuck him in and up to my room stumbling drunkenly over practically everything in sight causing a ruckus of noise, yet my parents slept soundly. The moment I shut the door it was game over. I threw him violently onto my virgin bed. I started ripping off my clothes whilst making out with him. Needless to say the snaps on his flannel worked perfectly in my debaucherous plan to rape and corrupt him.

When we finally got in position to fornicate he pulled away saying something about really liking me and wanting to wait. SMH. In my 27 years of straight hookups I have never been turned down for sex. I kept at it for the better of an hour before growing increasingly frustrated saying stupid shit like, “Just the tip. PLEEAASE! Just the mother flipping tip!!!” And…..just the tip is all I got before passing out drunk.

In the morning I was awoken by hard knocks on my room door by Mother alerting me it was time to go to work at the nail salon. I quickly got dressed and kissed Dick goodbye letting him know no one will be home once I leave so he is safe to sneak out the way he got in.

Once I got to the salon I texted him letting him know I left a pair of my black laced pantie on the foot of my bed and demanded he leave me a gift of jizz all over them before making his escape. Since he didn’t get me off that night I needed some spank bank material.

When I returned home after a long day of scrubbing shit off people’s nasty ass feet I walked up to my room and found a tiny surprise at the foot of my freshly made bed still wet with his bleach scented baby batter….. Lovely way to end my work day! : )

Too bad we never worked out in the end, but I could say we remained good friends till this day, and the fact that he ate kitty like a champ really made those three weeks well worth it!

Yours Lewdly,

Jayde Onyx Lei

Check out Jayde’s Thrill Girl pictorial by clicking HERE! 

Zander: Why didn’t things work out between the two of you if he ate kitty so well?

Me: Well, two reasons : A) I am emotionally retarded. B) He was far too much if a “Good Boy” to handle my wild ways. I am who I am and I refuse to change in light of anyone.

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TTS Thrill Girl Jayde Onyx

Catfished: Adventures With Jayde

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Jayde here.

I decided to give Tinder another whirl and swiped right on this “nice” boy in Duncan, OK when I was visiting my sister during the fourth of July holiday week. Possibly the worst idea ever.

Screw you Tinder.

Anyhow, the story goes T and I got to know each other for a month before I decided to take a trip back to OK to visit him. He was this amazing investigator for the town he lived in. He lived off the golf course in the nicer part of town. He was tall, handsome, twenty-nine with a stable career and life. After all, this was something I always felt I needed…..right?

Bloody wrong!

The entire trip was a flippin nightmare!! Not only was I somewhat “Catfished” by the entirety of his lies and deceitfulness, I ended up actually sleeping in his ghetto ass car for a night.

Not by choice of course–and yeah…. that… flippin… happened!

So after two weeks of planning and a night of no sleep because I was far too excited I was about to meet the man of my dreams, I flew private charter to DFW. (Yeah the same airport I was arrested from just a month prior.) I touched down about 8 a.m. and scurried over to baggage claim where T had promised to meet me. Well, he wasn’t flippin there and didn’t show for another two hours.

First Strike

When he finally picked me up he happened to still be messed up on whatever he was doing the night before so he was all sketched out. Typical Frat Boy douche baggary! I tried to push my annoyance aside and I decided I wanted breakfast. Afterward breakfast we headed over to his cousin’s. We hung out for a few hours, got drunk then headed out for dinner; Korean BBQ. Before dinner was over the check came and he conveniently had forgotten his wallet. I didn’t think twice about it and thought, “Cool, he’ll get me later.”

The following day we left Dallas and headed back to Duncan, OK. I reminded him he should pump gas, but he was weird about his gas tank not being filled more than half way. He said we’d make it there on half a tank so I just let it go. I, of all people know what it is like to have odd quirks, but then halfway through the trip he pulled into a gas station to pump gas. He went inside to pay for his gas and came out on the phone with someone. He sounded upset and said his card was frozen due to fraud and he would have to wait at least an hour before the bank could do anything about it. Well, I was not going to wait in the heat for an hour so I just paid for the gas.

When we finally got to Duncan he took me by my sister’s place for a visit and to drop off all the Vietnamese food I had picked up for her in Dallas. Well, he got a phone call and needed to leave to work for a little while so I just hung out with my sister. When he picked me up he was obviously stressed out yet again. I asked him what his deal was and with tears in his eyes he told me his Dad had stopped by his house to “bug” it and he couldn’t enter the premises until tomorrow. He cried about being homeless and having nowhere to go. I thought to myself, “bit dramatic?” Just rent a flipping hotel room douche!

We couldn’t even do that. By this time I had run out of cash and my pay check had not posted in my account yet. I couldn’t go to the bank to withdraw cash from my savings because there were NO, ZERO, ZIP Wells Fargo banks in the state of Oklahoma. On the other hand, his federal credit union was conveniently closed, thus making us screwed altogether.

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SO…. AGAIN, whilst he cried like a little bitch, I tried to lighten up the crappy solution he put us both in by suggesting we go on an adventure and camp somewhere lakeside. He would just need to get his camping equipment he had been bragging about the past few weeks from his garage and we could begin our “adventure”. He continued to make excuses of not being able to get to his equipment due to the poison. At this point I was out of options so I just got drunk until I passed out in the back seat of his crappy trail blazer.

The next morning, I couldn’t even look at him and I made him drop me off at my sister’s–ALONE. It was so damn hot the night before I needed the comfort of AC and to be away from him for a while. He said he needed to go by his office for some work.

Once I got to my sister’s, I explained to her all of the strange happenings the past few days. I didn’t feel right about the entire scenario, but to be blatantly honest, I wasn’t going to believe I was being played. I had chosen this dude I didn’t know at all over my ex…whom I had been trying to get back with for the better part of a year. I just couldn’t accept I had made a terrible mistake and desperately needed her to somehow reassure me things were okay.

Well that didn’t flipping happen at all. My sister didn’t offer much of any reassurance, but instead she laughed her ass off at me. She did offer to stalk him to see if what he claimed all along had any truth. First off, we drove by the “court house” he always claimed to be at. He wasn’t there. Secondly, we called the DA’s office to see if he really worked there–needless to say he didn’t. Thirdly, we googled him. Found his address and we drove by his house. Lastly, we revisited all of the scenarios I felt I was being lied to about. We did all of this and yet I was too stubborn to actually believe it. I wanted to see his house for myself. I wanted to catch him in all of his lies before I listened to my own intuition.

Needless to state the obvious. Yes, I wasted another two days spending all of my time and money on this dumb ass until I finally cornered his cousin and caught him red handed in a shit ton of ridiculous lies. Not only did this fucker lie about his job, his house being his parent’s house, but he was, of all things BROKE! UGH. Besides the fact that he was a compulsive liar, the fact he was broke and deceived me was what pissed me off the most. If I had known he was broke as hell I wouldn’t have wasted my time and money on his ass.

I am getting older and have dealt with a certain standard of guys over my dating years. I had started from the bottom and screwed my way to the top and was not going to start at the bottom again! That is ridiculous. I was worth more than a liar, manipulating loser who had the audacity to excuse his lies with “being broken”.

No….. not “broken”…..just “broke”.

In conclusion, after five days of the worse mind screwing bender possible I made it home. Not without realizing a few things though:

Jayde will not do broke.

Jayde will not ever flipping do liars.

Jayde will start listening to her intuition.

Jayde is getting far too flipping old for this bullshit.

…….At least the dick was the bomb.

Yours lewdly,

Jayde Onyx Lei

CrasianGuy: You say you’ve screwed your way to the top. Is this suppose to be some expression to admit you are a gold digger?

Jayde: Wealth is not the first thing I care about, but I will not lie and say I do not wish to be taken care of. I aspire to be a housewife one day and this will never happen if my husband doesn’t work, lives with his parents, and is broke. At least I could be true to myself and admit this. Doesn’t make me a gold digger, makes me smart.

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TTS Thrill Girl Jayde Onyx