Adventures With Jayde: Dick Be Nimble

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Since relocating back to Houston, TX this past summer I have been whoring around like nobody’s business. If it isn’t one Tinder date failed it is the never ending line of terrible blind dates my mother has been relentlessly setting me up on. I suppose since I will be 28 in less than three weeks my mother is desperate to marry me off to the first rich, fairly mentally stable man she can find. Bloody amazing. Another year and she will be offering a goat, three bags of shillings and her own kitty as some warped form of a dowry.

Anyhow……messing around. Yes, I have been dating myself shameless.

At the beginning of the summer I met this “Man-child” with the going alias “Dick-a-saurs Tex”. I actually dated this particular gent for about three weeks before things went sour. I met “Dick” via Instagram. He liked one of my photos randomly and I stalked his entire IG liking every photo of this slightly grizzly, very handsome Peace Corps volunteer in the midst of his travels.

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Normally I do not go for looks or even randomly DM people via IG unless it pertains to collaborations or work, but bloody, holy hell this MF was kitty drenching! I DM “Dick” telling him he was extremely gorgeous and letting him know it was too bad he wasn’t in Houston or……”

Well, the very next morning I actually got a response back from him letting me know he was in fact in Houston at the moment and the photos were remnants of his travels through Israel last year. After a few back and forth responses I sent him my number and invited him out that very night. He was a bit hesitant at first but when I told him it would be a group outing he agreed.

I met my PLP (platonic life partner) S and my third cousin P at this place called Gengi’s and already started in on a few rounds of sake before this awe stunning beast walks through the door with this huge pearly white smile, perfectly trimmed beard, and snapped down flannel shirt. I could’ve sworn my kitty purred and gushed all over my pantie at that precise moment.

(shivers)

I ushered him over to the bar and introduced him to everyone. We ordered a few more rounds as I sat there staring at him and his beard the entire time. This was all strange to me for two reasons:

1) He is a year younger than I am.
2) I hadn’t realized I was into the hipster, beard growing/toting pandemic until I met his neatly trimmed, sandalwood perfumed, soul shuttering beard.

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Anyone who knows me well enough knows I have both mommy/daddy issues and since I cannot control this portion of my life I tend to drown my sorrows in hooking up with men way too old and women far too young–but legal for my own good. So when I found myself sitting next to this bearded man far beyond my emotional maturity and far younger than my Tinder default age range. I was very confused….and drunk.

As the night grew old, we, my PLP and new fun toy. I had determined that after the first five minutes of meeting him.  After he told me he was a former Boy Scout/Altar Boy who is an avid Lego’s collector, I planned to screw this dude into corruption. We bounced from bar to club to bar to club to drunkenness. The entire night became a total blur of shots galore, buying strangers drinks, dancing to really terrible ‘80s music, and smoking pot at one point.

After the bars started to close and “last call” was made, we headed to a late night eatery where we tried to sober up. Ergo, tried. I was still quite smashed when Dick drove about 30 miles or so home. Since he lived on literally the other side of Houston, I did the forbidden and invited him to stay the night–with my parent’s home, with them sleeping right beneath my room. He obliged.

I snuck him in and up to my room stumbling drunkenly over practically everything in sight causing a ruckus of noise, yet my parents slept soundly. The moment I shut the door it was game over. I threw him violently onto my virgin bed. I started ripping off my clothes whilst making out with him. Needless to say the snaps on his flannel worked perfectly in my debaucherous plan to rape and corrupt him.

When we finally got in position to fornicate he pulled away saying something about really liking me and wanting to wait. SMH. In my 27 years of straight hookups I have never been turned down for sex. I kept at it for the better of an hour before growing increasingly frustrated saying stupid shit like, “Just the tip. PLEEAASE! Just the mother flipping tip!!!” And…..just the tip is all I got before passing out drunk.

In the morning I was awoken by hard knocks on my room door by Mother alerting me it was time to go to work at the nail salon. I quickly got dressed and kissed Dick goodbye letting him know no one will be home once I leave so he is safe to sneak out the way he got in.

Once I got to the salon I texted him letting him know I left a pair of my black laced pantie on the foot of my bed and demanded he leave me a gift of jizz all over them before making his escape. Since he didn’t get me off that night I needed some spank bank material.

When I returned home after a long day of scrubbing shit off people’s nasty ass feet I walked up to my room and found a tiny surprise at the foot of my freshly made bed still wet with his bleach scented baby batter….. Lovely way to end my work day! : )

Too bad we never worked out in the end, but I could say we remained good friends till this day, and the fact that he ate kitty like a champ really made those three weeks well worth it!

Yours Lewdly,

Jayde Onyx Lei

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Zander: Why didn’t things work out between the two of you if he ate kitty so well?

Me: Well, two reasons : A) I am emotionally retarded. B) He was far too much if a “Good Boy” to handle my wild ways. I am who I am and I refuse to change in light of anyone.

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TTS Thrill Girl Jayde Onyx

Adventures With Jayde: Bienvenidos!

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Bienvenidos! It is your Jayde from Vietnam–not. I am American, born and raised Texan actually. My mother is a native Vietnamese and traditionally traditional. Therefore, when she asked me this past weekend to attend what would be a disastrous blind date I agreed–or was it?

My mother typically loves men with power and money thus influential titles. I simply usually date nothing less only because they typically make me their bitch or dominate me so to speak. However, all of those relationships have horrid turnout rates; I end up mind fucking them into submission and realize they were never true alphas from the start. Anyhow, I jumped at the chance for free food and a sneak peek at what my mother deems worthy enough for her daughter to date (as she only favored one guy).

I met P at this fancy boutique and steakhouse named after a bird (yes, such exist). The place was fabulous and food, phenomenal. The guy? Let’s just say I am 5’1 ¾  and I had my normal ‘5 inch heels on and felt as if I was towering over the poor fucker.

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First thought: “How the fuck is this poor bastard suppose to put me in my place?!”

We made introductions and he pulled my chair and folded my napkin over my lap.

Second thought: “WTF?! I am not retarded, I COULD sit myself and place my own napkin on my own lap–but I like it…..”

We chit chatted for a bit about his career as a Douche Bag (aka Attorney, then my career (writer) before the waiter came by. He asked me politely if he may order for the two of us because he knew the chef and had previous called to make a special request. I obliged.

Third thought: “What a douche bag! I wonder how many women he does this for.. I wonder how many fall for them… I wonder if they are hot… Yummm pussy…..”

(Fast forward)

Two bottles of wine later and a blur of chaos jumping from restaurant to bar to lounge to bar to his bed?!?!? And with this pretty little redhead I picked up at one place or another. I am having difficulty recalling whereabouts. All I do remember is she was on another date gone terrible and I kidnapped her with my bisexual turning powers. She was very fun–and as usual I a first. Huge tits with the perfect amount of rosy making up what is a mouth suckling nipple–and a bit crazy. He? Again, I don’t remember, but then I did checked my vag the next morning by shoving one of my larger toys in it and my pussy cat was still tight. Needless to say, at those results most likely will never happen again…. I will have to call her for a round two of lewd however.

Yours Lewdly,

Jayde Onyx Lei

Question: EDMFreakz: How do you “turn” a chick bisexual?

Jayde: This is why I called it a power. Just as easily as I could manipulate and seduce men to lick my asshole. I seduce women. I was born with this innate ability to seduce. It wasn’t taught, learned and/or a trait brought on by environmental factors. It simply is. Hope this helps– or doesn’t.

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Adventures With Jayde: Blame It On Yoga

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As a beginner yoga patron muscles in my shoulders, neck, as well as my lower back were tense and sore from all the strenuous stretching.

By day three of yoga I was really, really sore.  I decided to call it a night and just masturbate myself into a blitz. I had to catch an early morning flight to Chicago for work.

I got through my first orgasm fairly quickly as I hadn’t rubbed one out in quite sometime (two days).  I wasn’t satisfied. I decided to switch up the porn to something more DPish.  I had one hand grasping my phone\porn and the other down in my nether regions. Before I dove into mission O2 I repositioned my neck. Well this was about the most careless load of crap move I had made since getting drunk on a plane…

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Instantly I heard a snap and an intense rush of pain swept over the entire left side of my body. I grunted loudly in pain and seconds later found myself paralyzed.

Fingers still situated in the petting position on my cat with the opposite hand now gripping my phone in complete agony. I decided it was probably best to give up and just lie there until the pain subsided. I ended up passing out from the pain only to wake up to my worrisome parents banging on my bedroom door wondering if I was okay because I hadn’t left to catch my flight.

Disgruntled I screamed to them through my locked door that I must’ve broken something doing yoga and that I was just going to lie there until I was not in so much pain.

My Asian mother knocked four more times and tried to get me to unlock my bedroom door. I shut that shit down quick and yelled, “Mother! I am naked and seriously paralyzed right now!!!”

My mother’s response? “Who sleeps without their clothes!?”

Well, obviously I do….

Anyhow, I laid there for a few hours before my mom blew up my phone demanding I go to the ER . I knew the ER would only give me an X-ray which only shows broken bones and very limited soft tissue damage. What I needed was an MRI. I was damn sure I had ripped the tendon on my left rotator cuff straight off the bone.

I called my friend who is a physician and begged him for a referral for an MRI. To my surprise (not really), I tore the tendon….which in fact requires surgery…..ALL from fucking masturbation!!!

Needless to say my friend, the physician, laughed at me so hard he almost pissed his pants. He referred me to an orthopedic surgeon and mentioned that she happened to be a hot, natural red head AND a lesbian!

Hmmmm….. smart, beautiful AND a red head?! I made the appointment for the very next afternoon so let’s see how this pans out. I loves me a challenge!

To be continued……

Yours Lewdly,

Jayde Onyx Lei

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TTS Thrill Girl Jayde Onyx

Foot Fetishes by the Uncensored Stripper

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Ah, the foot fetish guys. I say guys because I don’t think—in all my years in the sex industry—I’ve known a woman who ejaculates from touching a man’s feet; or licking them. Toes in the vagina, maybe, but that’s probably more kink than fetish. There’s a slight difference. I’m not exactly sure what it is, but I think kinks are organic and in the moment, something that turns you on, whereas, fetishes are more serious with regard to the person’s devotion.

I understand taboos and sex. I’ve thought about fucking my friend’s significant others when I make myself cum. Sneaking around, doing something we know is bad, or hooking up with them while their wives are passed out in the same bed. But feet aren’t taboo…they’re just a body part.

I’ve heard plenty of women talk about feet turn offs: men in sandals or flip flops or unkempt toes. But never have I overheard a woman talk about drooling over a man’s foot. Honestly, I’ve never completely understood the foot fetish. And why is it that slightly creepy and a thing for women’s feet go hand in hand? I don’t like my feet being touched. Not even during a massage—especially with my nerve damaged foot, but even before, it’s all about my neck and shoulders. I encountered foot fetish men over my years as a stripper, although, luckily, not a ton, which is perhaps a diss to my feet, but that’s OK. I have small feet, but my toes are long. My friend calls them finger toes. I hate my toes. But, what can I do? One positive note, if I drop my razor in the shower, I can pick it up with my toes…so that’s something.

I can pick it up with my toes…so that’s something.

The few feet men who paid for dances at the club, always wanted to smell my feet. I don’t know how good your imagination is, but strippers sweat in their heels all night and walk on questionable surfaces—our feet don’t always smell like roses. In fact, when a dancer needs new heels, it’s often because the stench has gotten to a point of no recovery. Beyond Dr. Scholl’s OdorX and drug store vanilla body spray. When a stripper’s heels get to that toxic level, all she can do is put them in the trash bin outside the building. This is what goes through my mind as men sniff my toes. I understand that for some guys, the dirty factor is part of the predilection. I’m a card-carrying member of the pheromone lover’s club, but rank foot smell? No thanks. I have also found that most of these guys are submissive in nature.Which is another notch in my not into it column, as I prefer dominate men.

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It’s a myth that strong women want to boss men around.

Not all of us do. I boss life around, I want to be equals or thrown down in bed.

I have a theory about fetishes: they tend to develop when quote en quote regular things don’t turn us on anymore, we search for the taboo and strange. But it’s a wormhole. What happens when each new strange gets old? And this is how people get to scat. Fetishes left unchecked will lead to scat. When toes no longer do it. And bondage. And roleplaying. And someone throwing oranges at you.

What’s left? Poop, that’s what.

Extreme fetishes make me wonder if the person has never had amazingly connected sex? In other words, what brings a person to be sexually charged by a foot? I used to be in the S&M community when I was in my early twenties, and it was certainly sexual in nature, but it was mostly about control.

I’m totally fine with people doing what makes them happy, and turns them on. I encourage it. As long as no one is getting hurt, go for it!

I’ll admit, I’ve always loved female ballet dancers with their extreme pointed toes, but it’s never turned me on. And I’ve always loved high heels, but to me, they’re an extension of the leg and a highlight of the ankle. Feet are useful for getting around (if you are lucky to have two working ones), and yes, they are sensitive, but to me, zero sexual energy there. I guess if I was in the throws of passionate sex with a man who turned me on something fierce, and he rubbed his dick or balls on my feet…I’d…wait! I just realized I’ve rubbed a guy’s cock with my feet while he was going down on me! And it was awesomely hot. But it was more about the connection—completing the circle of pleasure—not toe praise.

I think that’s part of my turn off with the foot fetish; the worship aspect. I’m down for a man to worship me, but I’d rather him pay homage to my mind and pussy. Not my dumb feet. But this is what I love about life, that there’s someone for everyone. The proof is in the endless feet accounts on Instagram!

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TTS Writer The Uncensored Stripper