Men As Jeans: A Quirky Gals Guide To Finding The Perfect Fit

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Ask any woman what it feels like when, after heaving and sucking their stomach in, they walk out of the department store change room, turn to face the poorly lit mirror and realize that they look absolutely amazing in the pair of jeans they’re trying on.

In fact, finding the perfect fit is not just a mood booster for many women, it becomes a life-long quest through a challenging gauntlet of cuts, rises, tint and texture.

We try on pair after pair to find the holy grail. We lie down on change room the floor to pull up a stove pipe. It makes us hate the fact that we are so goddamned dependent on solid food because our “filthy” eating habit is getting between us and our ability to wear skinny jeans without feeling like we’re cutting off our circulation from the hip – down. We’ll endlessly twirl and whirl in front of that mirror in our boot cut, praying to the gods that they don’t make us look like a Volvo driving soccer mum from the back.Image credit: savvybroad.com

We’ll scrutinize every angle, every feature and every little stitch. Hey, no one said jeans shopping was easy and if they did they’re probably have a contract with Ford Models and complain that they “can never find they’re size because the designer doesn’t make jeans that small…” But when you do find the right fit…..oh, boy. It’s like Christmas and your birthday has came at once. It’s like a never-ending orgasm, coupled with Prozac and an endless supply of jelly beans. It mimics the exact same feeling you get when you find the perfect guy. Yet somehow, shopping for the mans becomes all the more harder, despite the fact that sports bars are crawling with them. Hell, you can swing a cat and hit a whole bunch of them on the way to Arby’s for lunch. But women struggle finding the perfect match just in the same way we struggle finding the perfect fit. So, I propose we employ our knowledge that has been honed during our many jean shopping experiences and apply that to finding the perfect mate. So, in that vein, here is a list of men as jeans.

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THE SKINNY LEG This chap is quite the challenge. Lord knows how hard you try to get him on and that’s only half the effort required when compared to actually getting him off. Favored among the fashion elite, models and anyone who’s into food blending, this tight and taught specimen can make you look and feel fabulous. Though, avoid if you have a serious case of insecurity. With this make, all your flaws and scars will be out in public for the world to see. THE BOYFRIEND JEAN

Reliable and dependent, the boyfriend is your go to comfort slack that can look fashionable if paired with the right accessories (or woman). Problem is, being the distant cousin of the slouch, the boyfriend may be a little too relaxed which can lead to complacency which can be a real relationship killer. However, if you manage to keep him on your (peep) toes, this make can be a real winner.RIPPED Well, we can all dream, can’t we?HIGH-WAISTED This is the type that makes you think you’re on cloud nine because, initially, they do so much for you. Then, lo, you leave the comforts of the rose-tinted glasses phase and realize this cut makes you look like Kim Kardashian wedged in a pork lattice pie. What went wrong? Darling, the man is high and “waisted”. The only way this could work is that you were also as high and “waisted” as he was but then you’ve got a whole set of co-dependency issues to deal with. Leave this guy for the fun times. He isn’t of “perfect mate” material.FLARED Now there’s a relationship that will probably last less than this season’s trends.CLASSIC Much like a crisp Calvin Klein button up, or the silver screen, the classic is something with true staying power. He’s understated, without pretense and knows where his place is – around your waist. Classics, whether slightly faded or slightly put through the wringer, will last through all the experimental phases and the crazy fads. Dependable even on your worst day, this jean, or man, can be the perfect make. It’s up to you how you’ll treat them, though.

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Why You Should Wear The Latest Flower Power Trends In Jest!

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It seems every couple of years we’re growing out our bangs, flaring out our jeans and widening our lenses for the umpteenth time because the fashion world, much like our collective conscious, seems to crave the wildness of the seventies.

Image Credit: Marie Claire UK.

It’s a given by now.

Sure, in contrast to the prim and proper sixties, the seventies bewildered our sights and senses with new sounds, new wars and new drugs.

And this brave new world, that spewed forth more trends than iTunes has remastered versions of Pagan Baby, was experienced by those who grew up in the post-WWII era – the baby boomer.

They didn’t know of the Great War but they sure as hell had plenty of other stimuli to shape their aspirational minds and fashion sense.

Image Credit: Sterlinglaw.com

During their coming of age they experienced the achievements and assassinations of Kings and Kennedy’s past. Troops were sent off to Vietnam and Korea to fight a war that directly/indirectly had something to do with those protesting it on the grounds of Capitol Hill. Civil rights, Rosa Parks and second-wave feminism all conducted under the nuclear glow of a homo-erotic Cold War.

There was also the love. The love for one another and everyone else in between and it was for free. At least at Woodstock and at Manson doomsday cult meetings, apparently.

This, the entire kaleidoscope of protest and frivolity, created a powerful amalgamate from which their fashion was born. A fashion that, for some reason or other, we can’t seem to get enough of.

But do the baby boomers, in all their groovy acid tab glory, deserve us to pay homage to their contribution to society in way of strapping their style to our backs like a crucifix time and time and time again?

Image Credit: http://blogs.library.duke.edu/

Not so much.

The baby boomer grew up, got off the drugs and realized they weren’t so in love with those around them any more. They divorced. They divorced so much that rates trebled. Soon, roughly fifty per cent of couples were consciously and unconsciouslyuncoupling.

Image credit: http://www.thenational.ae>

And what did that leave the rest of us with?

Apathy, anger and a very cautious stance towards coupling of any kind. So much so that divorce rates have decreased over the years by 10 per cent. No, we’re not getting better at marriage. We’re just choosing not to couple/uncouple as much.

Then there was their economic influence. Borne out of the prosperity of the new world order, the baby boomer enjoyed the luxury of economic security and the resurgence of the middle class. However, when it was their turn to don a suit and take charge, the economy became prone to the greed of spoilt investors and economic downturns, crashes and collisions.

Image Credit: snn.bz

Today, we live in a world where many a real estate bubble has burst and job security is a thing of the past. Thanks, Boomers.

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Lastly, in a signature nod to their reluctance to grow up, they used their new found position to tell you what was cool. Record companies, Rolling Stone, mainstream radio all churned out the “classic” hits and emulated their fetish for cock rock.

Image Credit: mhttp://classicrock995.com

There was no place for the wailing vocals of Cobain, or the fast and furious verse-chorus-verse of punk until labels such as Sub Pop decided to pledge for the underground. It wasn’t easy. You may not have heard of the Melvins, Dinosaur Jr or even Nirvana if the bands weren’t initially willing to ride around to their gigs in their mum’s beat-up Volvo and eat corn dogs three times a day.

Image Credit: Rolling Stone.

All the while, White Snake just had to don a pair of tights and grab their crotch a few times to make decent bank.

But fine. Go ahead, Let’s create a second skin out of the whims of the boomer. Though, if you’re going to do it, do it right. Do it in spite of the boomer that destroyed you. Grab the best of what they had to offer and leave the rest in the nuclear scrap heap where it belongs.

DO NOT BUY VINTAGE

I don’t care how cool you think you look strutting around town in your corduroy threads. Who’s side are you on? Get thee to stores that are currently stocking up on the trend and give the money to designers are ripping off the old baby boomer fad. Hey, don’t feel bad. They’ve done it enough times to you!

WHILE ON THE SUBJECT OF CORDUROY…

It is never acceptable. Vintage or otherwise. Denim is the only flare you’re toting this time round. Let the baby boomer seethe with venom over the fact that you’re selling out to major corporations. Corporations they probably own but that’s beside the point. The point is that they weren’t allowed to sell out. They’d be thrown into the next naked dance bonfire.

PEONY WREATHES YES, DAISY CHAINS NO

Even if you’re not going to San Fran, flowers in your hair are a must. Just leave the chains of weed from your back garden to your five year-old cousin, ok?

EMBRACE OLD IDEAS WITH NEW FABRIC

Image Credit: trendspotter.net

You’ll never see your grandmother’s cardigan strutting the runways of Milan. I can vouch for it but you will see the shape of a pullover adorned with the soft feel of buttery leather, luxurious and sheer fabric, breathable cotton….

WHEN THEY’RE RIGHT…

Image Credit: tha.fr

It’s in the geometric and floral print. It’s still hot. I hate them for it but I’ll let them have this one for at least having to put up with Nixon.

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