Catfished: Adventures With Jayde

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Jayde here.

I decided to give Tinder another whirl and swiped right on this “nice” boy in Duncan, OK when I was visiting my sister during the fourth of July holiday week. Possibly the worst idea ever.

Screw you Tinder.

Anyhow, the story goes T and I got to know each other for a month before I decided to take a trip back to OK to visit him. He was this amazing investigator for the town he lived in. He lived off the golf course in the nicer part of town. He was tall, handsome, twenty-nine with a stable career and life. After all, this was something I always felt I needed…..right?

Bloody wrong!

The entire trip was a flippin nightmare!! Not only was I somewhat “Catfished” by the entirety of his lies and deceitfulness, I ended up actually sleeping in his ghetto ass car for a night.

Not by choice of course–and yeah…. that… flippin… happened!

So after two weeks of planning and a night of no sleep because I was far too excited I was about to meet the man of my dreams, I flew private charter to DFW. (Yeah the same airport I was arrested from just a month prior.) I touched down about 8 a.m. and scurried over to baggage claim where T had promised to meet me. Well, he wasn’t flippin there and didn’t show for another two hours.

First Strike

When he finally picked me up he happened to still be messed up on whatever he was doing the night before so he was all sketched out. Typical Frat Boy douche baggary! I tried to push my annoyance aside and I decided I wanted breakfast. Afterward breakfast we headed over to his cousin’s. We hung out for a few hours, got drunk then headed out for dinner; Korean BBQ. Before dinner was over the check came and he conveniently had forgotten his wallet. I didn’t think twice about it and thought, “Cool, he’ll get me later.”

The following day we left Dallas and headed back to Duncan, OK. I reminded him he should pump gas, but he was weird about his gas tank not being filled more than half way. He said we’d make it there on half a tank so I just let it go. I, of all people know what it is like to have odd quirks, but then halfway through the trip he pulled into a gas station to pump gas. He went inside to pay for his gas and came out on the phone with someone. He sounded upset and said his card was frozen due to fraud and he would have to wait at least an hour before the bank could do anything about it. Well, I was not going to wait in the heat for an hour so I just paid for the gas.

When we finally got to Duncan he took me by my sister’s place for a visit and to drop off all the Vietnamese food I had picked up for her in Dallas. Well, he got a phone call and needed to leave to work for a little while so I just hung out with my sister. When he picked me up he was obviously stressed out yet again. I asked him what his deal was and with tears in his eyes he told me his Dad had stopped by his house to “bug” it and he couldn’t enter the premises until tomorrow. He cried about being homeless and having nowhere to go. I thought to myself, “bit dramatic?” Just rent a flipping hotel room douche!

We couldn’t even do that. By this time I had run out of cash and my pay check had not posted in my account yet. I couldn’t go to the bank to withdraw cash from my savings because there were NO, ZERO, ZIP Wells Fargo banks in the state of Oklahoma. On the other hand, his federal credit union was conveniently closed, thus making us screwed altogether.

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SO…. AGAIN, whilst he cried like a little bitch, I tried to lighten up the crappy solution he put us both in by suggesting we go on an adventure and camp somewhere lakeside. He would just need to get his camping equipment he had been bragging about the past few weeks from his garage and we could begin our “adventure”. He continued to make excuses of not being able to get to his equipment due to the poison. At this point I was out of options so I just got drunk until I passed out in the back seat of his crappy trail blazer.

The next morning, I couldn’t even look at him and I made him drop me off at my sister’s–ALONE. It was so damn hot the night before I needed the comfort of AC and to be away from him for a while. He said he needed to go by his office for some work.

Once I got to my sister’s, I explained to her all of the strange happenings the past few days. I didn’t feel right about the entire scenario, but to be blatantly honest, I wasn’t going to believe I was being played. I had chosen this dude I didn’t know at all over my ex…whom I had been trying to get back with for the better part of a year. I just couldn’t accept I had made a terrible mistake and desperately needed her to somehow reassure me things were okay.

Well that didn’t flipping happen at all. My sister didn’t offer much of any reassurance, but instead she laughed her ass off at me. She did offer to stalk him to see if what he claimed all along had any truth. First off, we drove by the “court house” he always claimed to be at. He wasn’t there. Secondly, we called the DA’s office to see if he really worked there–needless to say he didn’t. Thirdly, we googled him. Found his address and we drove by his house. Lastly, we revisited all of the scenarios I felt I was being lied to about. We did all of this and yet I was too stubborn to actually believe it. I wanted to see his house for myself. I wanted to catch him in all of his lies before I listened to my own intuition.

Needless to state the obvious. Yes, I wasted another two days spending all of my time and money on this dumb ass until I finally cornered his cousin and caught him red handed in a shit ton of ridiculous lies. Not only did this fucker lie about his job, his house being his parent’s house, but he was, of all things BROKE! UGH. Besides the fact that he was a compulsive liar, the fact he was broke and deceived me was what pissed me off the most. If I had known he was broke as hell I wouldn’t have wasted my time and money on his ass.

I am getting older and have dealt with a certain standard of guys over my dating years. I had started from the bottom and screwed my way to the top and was not going to start at the bottom again! That is ridiculous. I was worth more than a liar, manipulating loser who had the audacity to excuse his lies with “being broken”.

No….. not “broken”…..just “broke”.

In conclusion, after five days of the worse mind screwing bender possible I made it home. Not without realizing a few things though:

Jayde will not do broke.

Jayde will not ever flipping do liars.

Jayde will start listening to her intuition.

Jayde is getting far too flipping old for this bullshit.

…….At least the dick was the bomb.

Yours lewdly,

Jayde Onyx Lei

CrasianGuy: You say you’ve screwed your way to the top. Is this suppose to be some expression to admit you are a gold digger?

Jayde: Wealth is not the first thing I care about, but I will not lie and say I do not wish to be taken care of. I aspire to be a housewife one day and this will never happen if my husband doesn’t work, lives with his parents, and is broke. At least I could be true to myself and admit this. Doesn’t make me a gold digger, makes me smart.

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Ramblings Of A Traveler – SE Asia #2

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RAMBLINGS OF A SOUTHEAST (SE) ASIA TRAVELER: Thailand, Cambodia, and Vietnam

#2    ONCE THERE

1) Dos (Acceptable Behaviors of a USA Tourist in SE Asia)

BIG DO: You’ll want to spend some quality time in a hammock. If you happen to stay for an extended amount of time, and happen to have a deck on poles out over the water like say in Koh Lanta Old Town, Thailand, and you happen to have two hammocks strung between poles holding the roof of your deck up, you would be totally off yourrocker to not curl up and read the paperback book serial killer thriller, “Tiger Lily of Bangkok” by Owen Jones or “Siam Storm: A Thailand Adventure” by Robert A. Webster. Neither are great literary works, but both are entertaining, thrilling, page-turners, and easy to read. Point is: you don’t want heavy reading here. Another hammock experience you must have, and I only saw this in Vietnam along major highways is to go to a coffee shop. The coffee shops are open-air tent roofs or massive shade trees with little stations consisting of 1 of 2 plastic chairs, a small plastic table and a hammock. I was told by several good sources (tour guides) that you could order 1 Vietnam coffee and stay in the hammock all day. I noticed a lot of business/office types sleeping in the hammocks during working hours – I guess it’s all very therapeutic and productive.

HUGE BIG DO: Take some time to learn how to operate the “Butt Sprayer.” You should be pretty familiar with it as it is the very same as the dish/sink sprayer on your kitchen sink. It just works better on the butt. WOW! What an invention. Forget all the cooking classes and language classes they offer. Butt Sprayers are in most all bathrooms in all 3 countries I visited. The most valuable thing you can learn is the physiology, the functioning, and operation of this essential appliance. Not only is it fun, but also it will make you very comfortable, tingly and a little hygienic. You might want to carry it a little further and spray your entire body from the head to foot and everything in between several times aday. Reason: well you are already wet with sweat, so a good cool soaking with water feels really good for a couple minutes. Do not dry off – the heat will do that for you. While on the bathroom subject, it’s to your advantage to learn from a local person how to take a Thai shower. Okay, I’ll share: get a big, clay jug (at least 50 gallons or more). Set it outside during the rainy season. When it’s full of fresh, clean rainwater put a small lightweight bowl in the jug. Just let the bowl bob around. When you need to get clean or to cool off, you just grasp the small bowl filled with rainwater and dump on your head several times. Again, don’t dry off – drip dry saves on towels.

MAJOR HUGE DO: Visit Angkor Wat ruins in Seim Reap, Cambodia. Any tour book will go on and on about Angkor Wat, and I obviously can also, but I won’t. Just a word or two. Here’s how awesome it is – the days I went there it was 103F. in the shade not to mention the drenching humidity, but I didn’t even notice it. Some say Angkor Wat is the 7^th wonder of the world, but I will let you read or tour to determine that yourself. What I really want to warn you about (other than do not climb on the ruins) is DO NOT stay in the jungle too long. If you stay past closing time, a tree root might begin to grow around you. If that happens, you will not be able to escape, your loved ones will never hear from you again, and the Angkor Wat monkeys might eat something precious to you.

1) Don’ts (Dumb Ass Behaviors of a USA Tourist in SE Asia)

DO NOT mess with the water buffalo in Vietnam that includes climbing on them or telling them to get out of your way. Why Vietnam? Because, I really didn’t see any water buffalo in Thailand or Cambodia. Water buffalo are a major necessity in Vietnam, but mainly in the hill/mountain country of Sapa (northern most Vietnam and hugs the Chinese boarder).

Most farming in the rice paddies are done with water buffalo, but I did see a few rotor tillers out there. I asked some local folks about this, and they told me water buffalo was much more reliable and better equipped to till the mud. A water buffalo costs as much as a new scooter in Vietnam, which is 2, 3, or even 4 years salary, so basically water buffalo are treated with respect. They go in and out of people’s huts, have total run of the town and countryside, and eat before anybody else does. To get my point across, I saw several junked rotor tillers in garbage piles, but I did not see one dead water buffalo anywhere.

DO NOT buy souvenirs made in China. You are not in China on this travel blog.

It’s important that you have a handle on where you are at all times. If you are in Thailand – you buy, eat, wear, and point (you can always communicate by pointing). For instance, in all 3 countries, every menu I saw was written in a couple languages plus each dish had a picture that you could point to and never have to utter a word. It made for very large menus, but hey, you are on vacation – relax. Getting back to the subject: I can’t tell you how many times I have come home from some exotic place, opened my stinky travel bag to find a bunch of heavy, bulky, broken souvenirs made in countries I’ve never been to nor would I ever go. Buy local, like from this lady selling Indigo Scarves made from indigo plant & hemp she grows with her water buffalo.

DO NOT get your eyebrows or lips tattooed in Vietnam. Eyeliner is a great permanent makeup thing to do there, however. Okay, here’s the deal. I don’t speak the language. I don’t look like an SE Asian person. I don’t have jet-black hair. I don’t have a nice oval face or SE Asian-type bod for that matter. I barely wear makeup, and I definitely, do not have the adventurous mindset to do something like tattoos. So Why? I don’t know, but I realized immediately (while on the table under the little tattoo pen), I had made a tremendous mistake. Once you’re on the table, there is no turning back. Scary, Scary, Scary. So fast-forward to having the procedure complete, it doesn’t hurt at all (they use a lot of topical numbing stuff), and eyebrows, eyeliner, and lips take a total of 1.5hr. Got out of there looking like a cheap call girl they made retire with the blackest, thickest, most swollen eyebrows which were taking up half my forehead, not to mention the most disgusting hot pink huge lips you have ever seen. Eyeliner looked great, however. It was just a small, thin line that was barely noticeable. The worst was I had to face people, locals as well as tourists. You might ask how it all came out? Well, I am not inserting any pictures am I?

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Ramblings Of A Traveler – SE Asia #1

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RAMBLINGS OF A SOUTHEAST (SE) ASIA TRAVELER: Thailand, Cambodia, and Vietnam

#1  IN THE BEGINNING

Where to go in SE Asia:

Everyone asks me, “How do you know where to go when you travel?” Well, let’s admit it right here, I am a traveling fool. If I haven’t got at least 3 trips planned at one time, I breakout in a very itchy rash. In addition, I am not writing a travel guide here, but I can tell you it doesn’t matter where you go. I sincerely advise and hope you keep some of my ramblings in mind wherever you go because I have experienced what no one should have to. Here are my top 5 suggestions:

1. Do THE tourist things (get a good guidebook, i.e. Fodor’s, Lonely Planet, other)
2. Be seen at THE tourist places
3. Eat/drink THE tourist food/beers/cocktails (forget the water)
4. Stay at THE tourist accommodations making positively sure there is a working     air conditioner somewhere at the place you stay (hopefully in your bedroom).
5. Wear THE tourist garb (don’t try to hide the fact you are a real tourist)

YOU ARE A TOURIST & YOU MUST ACT LIKE IT – Wear your tourist status like a fine spandex bikini. The locals expect it, your country expects it, and your friends and loved ones you left at home expect it.

TRAVELER HINT: 1. Something to keep in mind & believe me you won’t forget, SE Asia is so hot and steamy you’ll feel like you are in a never-ending sweat hell – that’s why the working air conditioner is almost your lifeline to sanity, and 2. always, always, always, always be generous and tip often. You never know when you will need help with transportation, directions, translation, whatever from the local person you just befriended with a tip. In SE Asia, the larger the tip, the more the local person will help you when in need. If you don’t tip or tip small, expect huge language barriers and other unforeseen hurdles. Something to keep in mind: The approximate average MONTHLYsalary for a laborer in USA dollars in Thailand is $180, Cambodia is $195, and Vietnam is $185. Honest, I did not leave out any zeros.

Making sense of what to pack – 5 MUST HAVES in your bag in SE Asia

TRAVELER HINT: DO NOT PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR TRAVEL BAG THAT CAN BE DEFINED AS NEEDLESS OR USELESS (which is most everything you think you need, but really don’t). We will also skip any mention of clothing as clothing just makes the daily climate worse, but since nudity is strictly forbidden in SE Asia, I’ll leave any clothing decision up to you.

First and foremost: Secure your passport in a slash-proof pouch that can fit nicely around your neck and under your shirt. Always carry the pouch with you on airplanes, buses, and ships; but leave your passport in the hotel safe if possible unless you really want to stay in SE Asia for the rest of your life. Make at least 3 passport copies (1 might be enough depending on your level of forgetfulness) and pack in your travel bag, shoe soles, or underwear. Also, it’s a good idea to include 1 Master or Visa credit card in the pouch around your neck & under your shirt. As an aside, the world DOES NOT like American Express, Discover, Travelers Checks for good reason, but that’s another rambling discussion.

Second most important: USA toothpaste & toothbrush. On a long trip greater than over night, maybe 2 or 3 toothbrushes should be packed. Do not rely on the free toothbrush and toothpaste they give you on the long flight or the freebies at the hotel. I did several times and ended up with a mouth full of bristles and toothpaste with the taste & consistency of glue (some sort of a design flaw I never figured out). Always keep in mind that no one likes to be around you or will answer any of your dumb ass tourist questions if you have bad breath. The local SE Asia people can tolerate a lot from a tourist, but bad breath is NOT one of them.

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