Damn You Gout!

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Damn you Gout!

An alcoholic’s battle against an affliction that threatens his disease!

My old man was a good dude— hard working, light-humored and universally loved, wise and respected but of all the wondrous and life changing things he could have passed down to me…. Things like land with oil, Berkshire Hathaway stock or a 12” dick that dirty prick willed me a bad case of GOUT!

Oh gout! Sometimes called gouty arthritis or the “rich man’s disease”; this devil’s lullaby is the accumulation of uric acid in the blood which form razor sharp crystals in the joints. It causes immediate, grotesque swelling and feels like long, lean, red-hot hat pins are being jabbed between the toes though the length of the foot then out the Achilles’ tendon. After that it really starts to hurt. Gout is a real dick.

The largest contributor to a gout attack is diet; primarily foods rich in purines like beef, seafood……. and ALCOHOL, ESPECIALLY BEER!!!

Booze is the big trigger and Im an alcoholic! My name is Stumbling Otis, put it together.

What kind of cruel test is this I ask myself as I ponder my own story– I open my fourth beer using muscle memory as I consider the dichotomy of me? I am Adam with my apple–frosty, cold and cursed.   Fuck you Gout!

When you drink like I do this goddamn affliction really affects my life. It commands constant vigil, it dictates stupid choices.

Example:

Its 92°, I just finished 3 hours of scooping dog shit, running the weed-eater, mowing the lawn— Imagine the ice cold silk of that first sip of beer rolling over my parched tongue. At the classic bottle pop of vacuum sealed air alone my heart flutters, I gulp a dry cracked gulp. I am Pavlov’s dog. I could empty this first, pure kiss of malt and hops in a single pour. I have a second amber colored bottle already at stand-by….

But if I do drink this beautiful beer I could easily have an attack, especially being dehydrated in the heat- DAMN YOU GOUT!

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