Six People You Should Never Sleep With

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Oh, sex. How we love thee. Here, let us count the ways.

In, out, reverso-change-o (sometimes that helps), back to front, around and all the way down…

way,

way down.

It’s almost impossible to believe that something so fun is good for you, too. But experts have long toted the benefits of giving the old dog a bone.

Sex boosts your immune system and keeps your blood pressure in check. It also lowers stress levels and can be a good workout. Then there’s that glow only a good orgasm can give you….

Nonetheless, while (consensual) sex is akin to the feeling of a first-class ticket to Vegas, while you’re crapping bars of gold, on Prozac, there are just some things you don’t do. That is, people you don’t do.

There’s the obvious list – your boss, your roommate, your relative, Donald Trump – but the proverbial buck (‘scuse the pun) doesn’t stop there.

Here is a list of six folks you should absolutely, under no circumstances, ever sleep with. No matter how much you’re champing at the bite or how willing they are to accommodate you.

ONE: PEOPLE WHO DON’T READ BOOKS

 

John Waters, that pencil pornstache guy who rose to fame in the seventies, should be known for more than Hairspray and Pink Flamingo.

The famed actor/filmmaker coined the phrase: “If you go home with somebody, and they don’t have books, don’t fuck ’em!”

And I couldn’t agree more.

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When you’re done with the nasty you’re going to have to talk and what are you going to talk about with a person who doesn’t read more than the ingredients on their cereal box.

Come on, you’d get more engaging conversation from your vibrator and/or blow up doll.

Leave these folks to dwell where they belong – in the shallow end of the kiddie pool.

TWO: A KENNEDY

You don’t need to be Marilyn Monroe to know that this would be a bad idea.

Best case scenario, you’d end up being the mistress in a long line of mistresses.

Worst case scenario, you’d end up dying due to an alleged “overdose” of barbiturates, as you call your lover to attempt to save you from the men in black. Apparently, the Kennedys had a bit of a mouth on them and liked to reveal matters of the state to their bedroom conquests.

And definitely don’t do a Marilyn and double dip into the gene pool. Imagine comparing the moves of one, over the other. Shudder.

No, no. Get thee out of their bed and into a cab stat.

THREE: A BOBBITT

This is a slightly self-explanatory one, unless you’re into that stuff.

In 1993 the Bobbitts made headlines after wife, Lorena, cut off her husband, John’s, penis.

His crime? Sexual and emotional abuse, infidelity and rape – making him no prize.

The list of allegations against John Bobbitt also included being a selfish lover.

“He always have orgasm [sic], and he doesn’t wait for me to have orgasm. He’s selfish,” Lorena once told police.

The penis was returned to its “rightful” owner and, after surgery, John went on to star in two adult films. One was titled “Uncut.”

Lorena, was found not guilty.

You can uncross your legs now.

FOUR: THIS GUY

FIVE: KIM JONG-UN

Sure, that sexy middle part and all the cage-rattling may appeal to some but standing this guy up after a casual swipe on Tinder could cost you more than your dating reputation.

Just look at what happens when little Kim becomes displeased with a relative:

Add to Thaek’s supposed brutal end, Jong-un ordered that images of his uncle be edited out of documentaries and photographs. Ouch.

For these reasons and many more, should you see Jong-un on Tinder, for the love of God, swipe left. SWIPE LEFT!

SIX: KANYE WEST

Sorry, Kim, but this guy is two gaffs away from jumping up on a sofa and publicly announcing he’s in love.

Well, more specifically, that he’ll run for president in 2020.

Add to his recent spectacle, it seems Kanye is a tight-ass lover.

Reports have stipulated that Kim needs to beg her “candidate” of a husband to sleep with her.

Come on, “President” West! Getting willing partners to have sex with you is already hard enough. Now you’re going to hold out on Kim?

Kardashian, do yourself a favor, honey, and abort mission.

So, kids, should you be tempted to ever get a leg over this lot, I strongly urge you to go home and have several cold showers.

Better still, book a therapy session to discover what it is about these people that make you hot under the collar. There’s definitely something going on there.

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Bad Advice With Staci Monroe #2

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Congratulations to Mike and Meredith for winning this week’s TTS Swag!

Welcome back! With week one firmly under our belt, I can safely say: You guys are all perverts. Asking me to send you nudes does not, in fact, constitute a question that can be safely answered in an advice column. But for the rest of you, I am here to help. Let’s get to it.

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What do you do when you stumble upon your significant other’s porn stash, and it’s crazier than you were expecting? – Mike, Newark

Well Mike, I think we need to look at what you mean by “crazier”. What’s crazy? Things that are perfectly acceptable to some people, say, oh I don’t know, just off the top of my head, popping chocolate pudding filled balloons under ones butt cheeks, would seem completely insane to others. Like those judgmental bastards at the yacht club for instance. Anyway! I think when you say crazier, what you are really saying is “Something I don’t understand.” Otherwise, why write to me? Both of you could be off enjoying your spanking videos in peace.

So, assuming this is a person you care about and want to continue seeing, the obvious thing to do here is communicate. Why do they have a clown fetish? When did their dirty sock obsession start? Why, for the love of god, do they have a gimp mask that looks like Ed Begley Jr? The spectrum of human sexuality is so vast and difficult to comprehend. A lot of times you yourself don’t know why you enjoy being jerked off with a hand puppet so it looks like the little felt fella is humping a tree. They might not know how their interests developed either.

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You also mentioned that the porn stash was found. This probably means this isn’t something that has invaded their regular every day sex life and they just enjoy viewing it. That’s fine. Do you know how many kids from the 80s jerk off to cartoon illustrations of Family Guy’s Brian the dog fucking Lisa Simpson? I’m telling you, Jessica Rabbit screwed up our whole generation. But most of them don’t then ask their significant others to cover themselves in yellow body paint and do a striptease to “Do the Bartman”. What I’m getting at here is, porn is not reality. A lot of times people enjoy viewing things they would never want to try in real life. Find out where they stand with theirs. Talk to them, try and understand what it is they like about it, and if it’s not anything you want to be a part of, make it clear that you accept their interests but it’s not for you. Better to get it out of the way now. But also be open if it’s something that doesn’t completely freak you out. Try watching some with them, see what it is about their fetish that turns them on. Maybe you’ll get something out of it, maybe you won’t. But we’re all just trying to be happy in this life, and if happiness to this person means they can only get aroused to John Cougar Mellencamp songs, then so be it. The real question to ask yourself is, why does it bother you so much?

Also, what the fuck do you have against John Cougar Mellencamp? The man is a goddamn national treasure.

 

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When performing fellatio, does it increase the recipient’s enjoyment to have ice or mints or whatever in one’s mouth? Isn’t the mere act, itself, pleasurable enough for most men? Also, is it true that consuming pineapple sweetens the flavor of semen? – Meredith, Philadelphia

Meredith, it seems like we have two issues going on here. You don’t like the taste, and he wants to spice things up a bit. Luckily these two are not mutually exclusive. But let’s get to your answers first.

While there has been some anecdotal evidence suggesting that pineapple juice, vegetarian diets and other foods can change the taste of semen, it appears to take quite a lot of any particular food to do the trick. And unless you want to tie your lover to a bed and force feed him pineapple till he tastes good. (no judgement) I imagine the amount you would have to eat would be a lot. Like, sorry this man died of a previously unknown condition where you eat too much pineapple and your heart explodes levels. Unfortunately, our country’s leading scientists have not put the type of manpower into studying this phenomena as they should. Seriously scientists, get on this! And while you’re at it, tell us what’s up with squirting? It’s just pee right? You can’t fool us! In the meantime though, you’re going to have to experiment on your own.

As for the blowjob technique, sure, ice adds another element, you know what else would? Wasabi. ‘Cause seriously, if he’s giving you shit about blowjobs not being exciting enough then he just may be in need of a douse of pepper on his pecker. Look Meredith. I’m not saying that you can’t try some new technique you read about in your latest Cosmo, but this isn’t the lunch special at Lee’s Hoagie Hut (That’s a Philadelphia Reference I threw in just for you Meredith). Blowjobs don’t need condiments. I mean, if anything, we should use his member as a palette for addressing your taste concerns! Put some onion rings around that bad boy and dip the end in ranch dressing. Barbecue sauce for those cowboys down south. Feeling fancy? Any sommelier worth his salt could give you a nice wine and dick-cheese pairing. Okay, sorry, that last one was a line too far. The point is there are only three things necessary for a good, no, a great blowjob. 1. Lip friction. Purse those lips girl! Keep them tight around him as you’re going down, a limp-lipped blowjob ain’t getting the job done anytime soon. 2. Tongue. Swirl it, twirl it, move it all around. Do the hokey-pokey and turn that thing into the cirque-de-soleil of tongue action. 3. Eye contact. Look him in the eyes when you’re doing it. Even for a minute, even just a glance, and when you do it, act the hell out of it, let him believe there is nothing you would rather be doing right now than getting dong-punched in the back of the throat. Anything else, how much you can take in your mouth at once, those sloppy-wet noises you make, the moans, the groans or even whether you spit or swallow are all just personal preference. You know what my personal preference is though? The kind where you don’t take some rank-ass dick in your mouth and you make him cherish the fact that he gets the privilege of going down on you instead. Good luck Meredith, bring a mint.

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