Bad Advice With Staci Monroe #2

http://thethrillsociety.com is your link to Thrilling Stuff! This article is just a taste!

Congratulations to Mike and Meredith for winning this week’s TTS Swag!

Welcome back! With week one firmly under our belt, I can safely say: You guys are all perverts. Asking me to send you nudes does not, in fact, constitute a question that can be safely answered in an advice column. But for the rest of you, I am here to help. Let’s get to it.

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What do you do when you stumble upon your significant other’s porn stash, and it’s crazier than you were expecting? – Mike, Newark

Well Mike, I think we need to look at what you mean by “crazier”. What’s crazy? Things that are perfectly acceptable to some people, say, oh I don’t know, just off the top of my head, popping chocolate pudding filled balloons under ones butt cheeks, would seem completely insane to others. Like those judgmental bastards at the yacht club for instance. Anyway! I think when you say crazier, what you are really saying is “Something I don’t understand.” Otherwise, why write to me? Both of you could be off enjoying your spanking videos in peace.

So, assuming this is a person you care about and want to continue seeing, the obvious thing to do here is communicate. Why do they have a clown fetish? When did their dirty sock obsession start? Why, for the love of god, do they have a gimp mask that looks like Ed Begley Jr? The spectrum of human sexuality is so vast and difficult to comprehend. A lot of times you yourself don’t know why you enjoy being jerked off with a hand puppet so it looks like the little felt fella is humping a tree. They might not know how their interests developed either.

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You also mentioned that the porn stash was found. This probably means this isn’t something that has invaded their regular every day sex life and they just enjoy viewing it. That’s fine. Do you know how many kids from the 80s jerk off to cartoon illustrations of Family Guy’s Brian the dog fucking Lisa Simpson? I’m telling you, Jessica Rabbit screwed up our whole generation. But most of them don’t then ask their significant others to cover themselves in yellow body paint and do a striptease to “Do the Bartman”. What I’m getting at here is, porn is not reality. A lot of times people enjoy viewing things they would never want to try in real life. Find out where they stand with theirs. Talk to them, try and understand what it is they like about it, and if it’s not anything you want to be a part of, make it clear that you accept their interests but it’s not for you. Better to get it out of the way now. But also be open if it’s something that doesn’t completely freak you out. Try watching some with them, see what it is about their fetish that turns them on. Maybe you’ll get something out of it, maybe you won’t. But we’re all just trying to be happy in this life, and if happiness to this person means they can only get aroused to John Cougar Mellencamp songs, then so be it. The real question to ask yourself is, why does it bother you so much?

Also, what the fuck do you have against John Cougar Mellencamp? The man is a goddamn national treasure.

 

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When performing fellatio, does it increase the recipient’s enjoyment to have ice or mints or whatever in one’s mouth? Isn’t the mere act, itself, pleasurable enough for most men? Also, is it true that consuming pineapple sweetens the flavor of semen? – Meredith, Philadelphia

Meredith, it seems like we have two issues going on here. You don’t like the taste, and he wants to spice things up a bit. Luckily these two are not mutually exclusive. But let’s get to your answers first.

While there has been some anecdotal evidence suggesting that pineapple juice, vegetarian diets and other foods can change the taste of semen, it appears to take quite a lot of any particular food to do the trick. And unless you want to tie your lover to a bed and force feed him pineapple till he tastes good. (no judgement) I imagine the amount you would have to eat would be a lot. Like, sorry this man died of a previously unknown condition where you eat too much pineapple and your heart explodes levels. Unfortunately, our country’s leading scientists have not put the type of manpower into studying this phenomena as they should. Seriously scientists, get on this! And while you’re at it, tell us what’s up with squirting? It’s just pee right? You can’t fool us! In the meantime though, you’re going to have to experiment on your own.

As for the blowjob technique, sure, ice adds another element, you know what else would? Wasabi. ‘Cause seriously, if he’s giving you shit about blowjobs not being exciting enough then he just may be in need of a douse of pepper on his pecker. Look Meredith. I’m not saying that you can’t try some new technique you read about in your latest Cosmo, but this isn’t the lunch special at Lee’s Hoagie Hut (That’s a Philadelphia Reference I threw in just for you Meredith). Blowjobs don’t need condiments. I mean, if anything, we should use his member as a palette for addressing your taste concerns! Put some onion rings around that bad boy and dip the end in ranch dressing. Barbecue sauce for those cowboys down south. Feeling fancy? Any sommelier worth his salt could give you a nice wine and dick-cheese pairing. Okay, sorry, that last one was a line too far. The point is there are only three things necessary for a good, no, a great blowjob. 1. Lip friction. Purse those lips girl! Keep them tight around him as you’re going down, a limp-lipped blowjob ain’t getting the job done anytime soon. 2. Tongue. Swirl it, twirl it, move it all around. Do the hokey-pokey and turn that thing into the cirque-de-soleil of tongue action. 3. Eye contact. Look him in the eyes when you’re doing it. Even for a minute, even just a glance, and when you do it, act the hell out of it, let him believe there is nothing you would rather be doing right now than getting dong-punched in the back of the throat. Anything else, how much you can take in your mouth at once, those sloppy-wet noises you make, the moans, the groans or even whether you spit or swallow are all just personal preference. You know what my personal preference is though? The kind where you don’t take some rank-ass dick in your mouth and you make him cherish the fact that he gets the privilege of going down on you instead. Good luck Meredith, bring a mint.

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Bad Advice With Staci Monroe

http://thethrillsociety.com is your link to Thrilling Stuff! This article is just a taste!

Hello and Welcome to Bad Advice, column where I, Staci Monroe, do my best not to lose interest in your questions halfway through reading them and start fantasizing about that Burrito I had last night. Damn, that was a good burrito. Anyway, let’s dive right in, shall we?

I have reached middle age and it’s all downhill from here. My wife is encouraging me to get a BMW, so as to focus my mid-life crisis energy and dissuade me from getting more tattoos. While I like BMWs, I also like Mustangs. She does not like Mustangs. Is it true that “Mustangs are for douche bags” and that “Owning a Mustang is a sign that you have a small penis”? Because while I do have a small penis, I do not want to be a douche bag. – Nick, Minneapolis

Nick, Get the Mustang. Yes, while it is a scientifically proven fact that Mustang owners are poorly endowed douche bags, that is not the Mustang’s fault. The Mustang calls to all of us, It’s siren song beckoning us to our watery graves. A stronger man, A man not in the throes of his midlife crisis, would tell his crew to strap him to the mizzen mast and not let him free no matter what he said. “Sail until you reach the beautiful wind swept shores of Retirement Island.” You’d call. The land where you hob nob on golf courses with doctors and lawyers, you all drive BMWs, and you never even think about sleeping with your female caddy. Because that’s the real issue here, isn’t it? Sure, a man can like both a BMW and a Mustang, but for different reasons entirely. To you, a BMW says retirement, old age, the end of the line. While a Mustang screams power, danger and the possibility of getting to sleep with someone else. Your wife isn’t telling you not to get the Mustang because it’s a douche bag car, she’s telling you not to get it because she knows that with it, you’ll have convinced yourself you can get laid. She’s just trying to spare you the embarrassment Nick! Not me though. I say, embrace it. Because the only thing sadder than a middle aged man driving a Mustang to try and score some tail, is a guy sulking behind the wheel of a BMW. Every time you and your wife fight, your argument will always be “None of this would have happened if you let me get the Mustang.” “I wouldn’t have slept with that Barista if I had that dang Mustang.” “I could have saved that man’s life if I had that Mustang!” Spare your poor wife this emotional abuse Nick. I don’t want you having an aneurysm every time you’re at a red light and a Mustang pulls up, top down, girls in bikinis sitting on the back ledge, they aren’t even in the seat Nick, that’s where their feet are! They’re holding a surfboard. You can surf! Their boyfriends are driving, no shirts on, ridiculously muscled and tan. That could be you! Suddenly your rich Corinthian leather seat feels like fire ants against your skin. The high gloss wood panel interior finish looks like a cheap trinket, and your speakers are blaring at you. “You’re too old, you’re too old.” In Dolby digital 5.1 surround sound until the noise is so overwhelming you can’t take it anymore and drive off the nearest cliff into the ocean below. The siren song of the Mustang, Nick. It gets us all in time.

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When is it appropriate to send a dick pic? – Chris, St. Louis

First column and I’m already tackling the greatest philosophical question of our time huh? Okay let’s get into this then. First of all, let’s dispense with the theory that men who send dick pics to women are of a certain social or intellectual class. It’s not true. Across the full spectrum of race, creed, socio-economic background and intellect, men are dying to show you their dicks. Like, DYYIIIING. It doesn’t matter that the cumulative collected female response has been the equivalent of that look your mom gives you when she’s telling you “I’m not mad, just disappointed”, they can’t help themselves. It’s a biological imperative. It is the great unifier. If “Dick Pic” could be a presidential candidate, it would win in a landslide. Intelligence has nothing to do with it. Don’t tell me Stephen Hawking hasn’t thought about sending a dick pic because he has! Now, I’m not saying that every guy DOES send a dick pic, I’m saying that they all want to, and the ones who go through with it should have “poor impulse control” tattooed across their forehead so we know what we are in for. Now let me back up a minute and clarify. I am, or course, talking about unsolicited dick pics. Because if it was asked for, you wouldn’t be writing to an advice columnist about this and would instead be posed somewhere like in your old grade school photos, your dick being photographed in front of one of those backdrops with the lasers on them, or maybe with the close up of your dick blown up and ghosted in the corner next to the full version of your dick. Double dick pic! So there is your answer really, if it is unsolicited, it’s a no. There are only two times it would be considered acceptable to send a picture of your dick. 1. It is specifically and explicitly asked for. 2. You are in the middle of sexting and things are getting heated. Now, be careful men! This second time is riddled with landmines! Sending the dick pic could kill the mood or show your hand too early. Women aren’t visually stimulated the same way men are. Despite the best dirty talkers out there, seeing your dick does not, in fact, make our panties wet. Treat the sexting dick pic like escalating warfare. If you haven’t gotten at least a nipple shot from her. DON”T SEND THAT DICK PIC. You don’t drop the nukes just because she sent you a winking emoji okay? Bide your time. In fact, I say, don’t send one at all! How many times do you think this scenario has come up? “Baby, we’ve been having so much fun. I’ve loved talking to you, getting to know you on an emotional level. I find you witty and intelligent, I’m really beginning to feel like you are someone I could go out with, one on one, on a date, and not feel like you are a total creep or will harass me or pressure me for sex the whole time, but you know what? In order for me to be really sure? Ima need to see that D.” One final thought on the subject before I wrap up my inaugural column. Think about what it means to you as well. I know, I get it. Some girl just asked you to send her a shot of your dick. Your ears are ringing and you’ve got a nosebleed. This is the moment you’ve been waiting for. Take a minute. How well you know this chick, Homie? Cause I am telling you the one hundred percent God’s honest truth. Her girlfriends are gonna see that pic. Can you live with that? Can you live with knowing that all her friends have seen what you’re packing? Can you live with the fact that if you do her wrong she’s going to send it to her girlfriends and be like, “this tiny-dick having son of a bitch thinks he’s all that.” Can you live with the fact that she’s probably gotten a dozen other dick pics just this week and you are DEFINITELY not the biggest? Can you live with the fact that you’ll never be able to run for political office? If the answer to any of these questions is no. DON’T SEND THAT DICK PIC.

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Thrill Girl Bambi